Depression has a weird effect on time. I mean the heavy hitting sort of depression. The really crippling variety. You lose all sense of time of day, what day it is. Just woke up to find it’s 2am, and since I’ve been asleep that means I’m going to have to spend the rest of the night killing time.
But first have to go through the checklist. I am shaved and my hygiene is acceptable. Don’t know why, but in my worst episodes of depression I’m always thinking I’m going to die and how bad it’d be if I was unshaven and unshowered when they find me. My sheets slipped off my matress (how does this keep happening?) but I’ve got no strength to put them back on.
Realized I didn’t eat today, but I also haven’t really burned a calorie.
Don’t want to kill myself, even that just seems like too much work.
And there’s this pain. There’s a commercial that was on TV to sell some useless drug that said “depression hurts.” It really does. People do generally assume that depression is mainly just being sad a lot, but it’s not like that. Literally, every single part of my body hurts.