First time I ever cut myself was the day I bought a Thoughts of Ionesco album, “For Detroit, From Addiction.” And I didn’t know or understand the whole process of what it a “cutter” was it just seemed so natural that a person would do that. So I punched a hole in the wooden door of our apartment. Took a kitchen knife to my skin and cut about four strikes in my left forearm. People seem to see it as self-abasement or punishment, but it’s not like that at all, it’s a rush and after you’re extremely calm. The after-aftermath is ugly. You have to wear sleeves all year long, I don’t condone it. But I know why it happens.
That said, if you are doing it, then you need to stop with professional help. I know what you’re going through. I so fucking do. But I also know enjoying being mostly recovered from that. And I couldn’t do it alone. Stop and get helped.