Feel bad for bailing on good friends and a good cause tonight. But what else can I do? I can’t go into group gatherings without a committed support anymore. Even then, it’s hard. One of the last group events I recall was a movie in a crowded theater, and how after it was over I had to rush out and collapsed in front of some bar, in a ball, hyperventilating. Thank God Jen knows me well enough that she called a cab and held my hand as we left.
The problem with crowds is over-stimulation. I can’t manage all the talk, noise and people. I love people, but not 20 of them all talking at once. People don’t pause in conversations. All dead space has to be filled NOW. Then inevitably someone will point out how I haven’t talked. It’s because you never shut up, FYI. Every once in a while I putter out a syllable, but I’m already drowned out. Then I get the “you never talk” speech and I want to say “you kept cutting me off!”
Social events with strangers is the absolute worst. I never know what to say and nothing ever comes up that feels worth talking about. People talk about their friends and their inner circle. I just sit there spinning my empty glass of Coke and ice cubes just hoping the topic will change so I don’t feel like such a third wheel.
Truth is I can talk up a storm. I am not quiet, I am anxious. Once you fall into the envelope of my comfort I can talk to you for hours. But it’s very hard to get there. Very hard. And there’s nothing I can say on how to get there, you either do or you don’t. Escapism in music or books has always been my thing, those things are predictable; people are wild and dangerous. They hurt you.
I think you have thoughts of dying
I’m eclipsing them now
Calling all allies down
I’m consumed by your eyes
Keep them open and full