I caught on with this video. This really just basically sums up precisely how I feel and what I struggle with.
Last couple of days I’ve been having a hard time, but I’m trying to kick my ass to just deal with my disease and do right. I think in the video really hit on the “self-image” thing. If only by watching other people in their lives it makes me convinced that I really have no fucking clue who I am. I can barely even remember a single event in my life from over two years ago let alone talk about myself. I have no plan for my life, but I hate that feeling. I have this false pretense that I am just someone who wants to help the unfortunate and do good, which I do, I’m not as pathological as the status quo here, but I am also trying desperately to create self-worth that I don’t know how to find in whatever internal or existential sense everyone else gets it from. I know that I definitely have a need to feel “loved” very badly, but I cannot honestly even say what I want from my loved ones or quite understand what they want from me.
I have only known my own experience, that is the only real reference I have, but I just don’t feel I know how to process an emotion the way normal people do. I hear people say that that something happens and then an emotion follows, but I don’t think I have that. I get emotions and then I try to find a situation to explain it. Why am I scared? I feel things, often painfully strong, and then have to find a reason why I feel that way.
The intensity is the other half of the problem. I am an “acting-in” borderline. My extremest emotions are always self-directed. When things happen and people tell me that they are upset with me… no, I really cannot empathize. All I feel is really sharp, very intense pain at having caused someone harm. I think I can feel love in a genuine way, but I can’t feel guilt. It’s an intense, often physical pain, really intense self-loathing and it cripples me.
Making a rational sense of emotions, not wanting to die the moment I make a mistake (and I make a lot in no part to the BPD), feeling physically sick when I feel emotionally hurt… I am trying to push it into my brain that I am not irresponsible for the harm I cause others, nor am I myself fully responsible. Tomorrow I have my second therapy appointment–might go back anti-depressants or even anti-psychotics. I want this to work, because I’ve got the most amazing girl who loves me, and I love her so much. I have to teeter the line between “blame me totally” and “I am not at all to blame.”
Hard. It’s hard. But a loveless life is certain death. So I have to figure this out.