Service

Today I got a whole number of rantings from friends who work in the service sector (a.k.a., Hell.) And I can identify because I did that for years and probably will again soon, but people are idiots and these are the ones I mean.

1. “I come here so why do I have to tell you what I want?” So may valid responses. A. You don’t come here so much that I recognize what you want, fucker; so just use your words and tell me.” This seems particular to friends I know who work at Starbucks but I recall this all too well myself. As my Kindergarten teacher told me, “use your words.” What do you want? You’re waving a napkin, do you want more napkins? Is that why you’re waving a napkin like a desperate sailor trying to signal? Sorry, I don’t read the language of Over-priviledge”

B. The reason you’re asked for an opinion about what you want at a service place is so they can actually do that. If you come out in the end unsatisfied, don’t act like nobody respected your opinion because all service industry transactions start with “how can I help you?” questions.

Didn’t get what you wanted…? It’s probably your own stupid fault. When they asked what you wanted, you didn’t tell them, you think they’ll pry you with follow up questions. “This is not what I got last time.” Who cares? Fact of the matter, service workers are people and not calibrated robots so if you want what you got last time to be what you got last time, then build you a time machine or forever live in in misery. Because things that are made are made by people, who cannot recreate all the physical movements of the thing they made for you two weeks ago, straightly, you’re fucked. So stop complaining or learn how to articulate your needs beyond “like last time.” “The consistentecy of the foam in my cappucino is not what I wanted” (repeated to me today.) No, you’re merely a control freak deviant who can only obtain sexual gratification by manipulating the inconsequential aspects of your Starbucks beverage and watching people (who actually do work for a living) sweat to please you with the right frothiness. You should be put against a wall and shot.

2. “I am a regular!” The people who are regulars, we know who you are, you’re regular. I’ve had people come up to me and say “I’m a regular” not knowing who the hell they were. Service workers, we know who our regulars are. Doesn’t take any time to spot them on site. People who come in three times a year,, you’re not a regular.

3. The people who need it made by “you” not your coworker. My last real customer service job I had I had to make veggie juices and this one woman absolutely would not allow anyone but me to make them for her. Literally, if I was busy, she’d wait. So I made them, generally according to the standards we had. But she always said, “you make it best” but the thing is, I never measured or cared about the juice I made her. It varied by what I had on hand, I put less effort into her juice than all other tasks there, I cared a shitsworth, but every time she said I did it better than anyone. Which says, the customer doesn’t know a thing, they just get hooked on certain employees.

4. “I’ll Talk to Your Manager About This!” Such a hardcore threat, as if the person you’re sending it to is actually keeping but withholding the power to make your consumer wish come true. Talk to the manager, and then what? You find out your dickhead request was merely blocked by a living wage employee who make an executive decision to fuck you over for the sake of prospering the company? Such people, we work on kissing your ass like horny teens, not recreating our own ideas of company policy to make your day inconvenient. So here’s my belated, fuck you.

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